My dear departed husband,
I still get butterflies and my heart beats faster when I think of our life together. It is 3 years today that you went to heaven, 3 years of soul-searching and 3 years of finding my way without you by my side. Because of you, because our love was so incredibly strong, I am forever reminded that love does not die.
Many say that the second year is the most difficult with grief. For me, it has definitely been year 3. It is possible that this year I have settled down and had more time to reflect than the previous two years. There were no major life changes for me this year and that in itself is progress. But the grief often came pouring down like being caught in the rain without an umbrella. There is nowhere to hide when these thunderous emotions come blazing through. I have found it startling at times to realize I can go through weeks without feeling any emotion – good ones or bad ones. And boom, just like that, I feel again. I don’t find life better in three years – I find it tolerable. I still laugh a lot and try to find something to make me laugh every day. You used to make me laugh every day even under the worst of circumstances! I try to carry that with me, even on those emotionless days.
You know honey; I told you I would be okay. I am, but I want to be better than okay. I hope that going into year-four, that I can step up my game. I can almost hear you sometimes telling me it’s going to work out and that we will get through this together. It’s how we always dealt with whatever came our way – together. It’s been a year since I dreamed of you and I wonder if that is because your spirit is always with me in such a strong way. If I get to choose, I will keep your daily presence with me even if that means you don’t visit me in my dreams. You always told me that if there was a way for you to visit me, you’d be here in a heartbeat. I’m listening.
This year your mom joined you and I bet that it was an amazing celebration for you! And though today I am reminded of what I have lost, what our children have lost, I celebrate that you are in the best place waiting for me. I miss you more. 3 years my love – I am 3 years closer to being with you again.