Someday – maybe.

IMG_0539It’s been a while since I’ve update this blog.  There are a lot of reasons I suppose, most of which are life-changers.  My big, beautiful, lonely house has been put up for sale.  It’s too big, not to mention too expensive for one person.

I went on a vacation in June for a week and stayed with great friends and then spent the weekend with other widows who have enriched my life in many ways.  We are all the same yet we are different.  Each of us walks the same hurting walk, but we travel different roads.  It was good to see how we all have managed to survive.  Our husbands shared the same disease (appendix cancer) and while they didn’t survive it, they gave us the love and support we needed in our marriages to survive their death.  Truly, some days it is survival of the fittest, on that I think we all agreed.  I wish we had more time to discuss what to do when we back-slide into the dark hole.

What exactly does it mean to survive?  We know what it means in the world of cancer – I know personally what it means when you don’t survive.  What about the survivors of a different kind?

Normally I love positive memes and/or inspirational quotes.  But I’ve seen some lately that don’t jive in the life of a widow … the words  “… you can choose to move on.” – I did not choose to live without my husband.  Move on.  Why would I want to “move on” when the one person in my life that “got me” is no longer in this world?  Move on?  You move on from lost jobs, from illness when you’re well, you move on from a bad day in hopes that the next will be better.  You move on from a BAD relationship.  You move on from hurt feelings.  You do not move on from the death of your spouse that was your entire world.

Maybe it is really semantics – one can move forward (not move on) and I’ve been doing that.  It’s frustrating to me that words have this much affect in my life.  Scroll on is what I tell myself – don’t read things that frustrate you.  Unfortunately you can’t remove from your mind the things that you’ve read.  Someday maybe words won’t hurt.  Maybe it’s in selling my home – the one that we built together.  Maybe it’s in the notion that moving forward means leaving behind what we built.  Damn it – this sucks.   I need to find the inspiration I felt when with him in Hawaii where the above picture was taken.

Someday maybe the pain will go away.  Maybe I won’t wake up and wish I was still sleeping.  Maybe I will be happy with the memories that haunt my mind.  I am so tired.  I’m tired of fighting the tears.  It’s exhausting.  Let’s face it; I’ve never been a go-getter; more likely a “keep it together” type of gal.  Why am I finding it so difficult to do that now?

Are you married?  Are you in a committed relationship?  I am going to tell you right now that you better treasure every single day with them.  I don’t care if you are in the throes of an argument, you really need to look at your spouse and say “thank you for this” — because even days of frustration with each other mean that you are together.  The difference between life and death is just a breath away.

I’ve been in survival mode for over a year and a half … one day meets the next with zero enthusiasm.  I want to be happy.  I want to live and not just exist.  I want to wake up and say “hello world, here I come.”   Someday – maybe.