24 Years Ago Today

Hawaii

…and live our life to the very last sunset we did.

24-years ago today we walked into that court-house confident that our swift romance brought us the most joy either of us had ever known.  Some thought it was way too soon after only seventy-six days.  We’d both been down that road before, but there was never an ounce of doubt for either one of us.   We only had 20 earthly celebrations of this date, but I can assure you that today and every day I celebrate what was, and what always will be ours with the same deep love and gratefulness as if he were still here.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pause to talk to him in some way, nor is there a day that has gone by that my heart doesn’t ache for his touch.  The hands which were twice the size of mine but gentle and always outstretched.  Still, there is not day that a tear is not shed.  They may be just a stinging of the eyes, but many days they still fill the tide pools of grief.

I don’t know how time has the ability to keep ticking forward without my husband in it, but it has.  My life and its purpose has changed so much.

The photo and quote above from Tiki Joes, pretty much depicts our life together and what we shared in Hawaii several times.  I long for that place often as we shared our hopes for a cure of his appendix cancer, prayed for more time and found acceptance of his terminal disease.  I think in retrospect, it took the removal of our everyday life to see the bigger picture and the reality of what was to come.  Oh how madly, deeply in love we were.  What I wouldn’t give to look into those eyes that loved me so much.   I wonder if someday I might go back to Waikiki and just sit and stare at the ocean on an ocean-front balcony like we did together,  if it would make me more sad or would it fill me with the peace that we both felt together there.  I hope to one day find out.  A trip that I would need to do alone and I do not like traveling alone.  Something in my mind continually draws me there.

Watching the last 10 months of his life dwindle to but a flame that resides in my heart, haunts me.  He fought so damned hard to be alive for our 20th anniversary.  He then fought to make his 59th birthday .. I hurt knowing how much he hurt.  Someone recently wrote that “it’s not over until you are tired of fighting” … no, that was not it at all for him; albeit a nice uplifting message to give I suppose.  That man never, ever got tired of fighting.  He wanted to live.  He wanted to be present.  He wanted so much more.  His body gave up, not him. I am forever grateful for the love, the determination, and the heavenly messages we both received, because I know that my time will come to be as one with him again as we were in our human bodies.

Keith, May your light, my ray of sunshine continue to breathe new life into me as I continue to miss you and endure this life without you.  Happy 24th Anniversary to the love of my life, my absolute soul mate.  I will be in love with you until my last breath.