Last night my granddaughter, who admittedly was over-tired, whined and carried on about her chapped hands because they hurt so much. They look awful and her mom doctored them with ointment and reminded her that she needs to keep her gloves on, dry her hands completely and mostly, keep those hands out of her mouth! She was at a near meltdown.
I feel a little bit like this grandchild lately. I feel pained from the chafing of my heart. I feel like no matter what bandage I tried to fix the pain it really is, only covered the surface. The deep wound must heal from in the inside out. So yes, it’s pretty painful and I too would like to have a meltdown on occasion.
For healing purposes, like any wound, it gets a fresh covering pretty quickly. I’ve talked in the recent past about feeling and absorbing this pain. I let myself get caught up in life again and have forgotten to let it be … the pain must be felt in order to accept it.
As I attempted to move forward personally, I busied myself with day to day activities and set the pain aside. And here I am … it was that loud freight train whistling and startling me. It was warning me that I need to stop. It was because I wasn’t feeling that pain every single day like I had been, it was full steam ahead into that grieving abyss.
Something happened that caused an overwhelming rush of emotion and thoughts of ‘I need you and I can’t do this without you’. I cried – probably harder than I have all along. I realized during that “episode” that I was forgetting what is important to me. Keith is, plain and simple. His love is. His presence in my life is important to me. I didn’t forget, but I didn’t allow for what I need emotionally. The reality is that what I do is with Keith in the back of my mind, but that’s not what I need to do. Keith needs to be in the forefront of my mind … that keeps his love alive in me. That is what gives me strength and courage to endure things that I have no control over. I could almost hear him telling me, “stop honey, and listen to your heart and not your head”. Yes, he continues to be my voice of reason!
I believe I am back on track now – I miss that man more as each day passes but I am so grateful for the moments I am still given with him. I had an early morning visit a week ago which put a song into my head for days! I heard him speak to my heart and once again he talked me through a situation that I found myself unable to deal with. His love is coming through loud and clear!
Last night as I prayed my nightly prayers, holding Keith’s picture in my hands (see photo) I asked God to allow more of these visits and to get me back on track to what is important in my life. I held Keith close to me and cried – I am absorbing this pain again. Ouch.