“But It’s Painful,” I Cried.

Are they baby steps or are they giant leaps?  I am such a bag of mixed emotions.  There are huge changes happening around me and here I am, almost paralyzed again.  I miss my life.  I miss my best friend.  I miss being loved.  I miss being “in love”.

I have to make critical decisions about my future and doing it without the guidance of my husband is brutal.  Don’t get me wrong, I am quite capable of making decisions but I second guess myself at every turn.  I’ve talked to some family and a few friends, and everything makes sense, but I can’t seem to move in the direction that I need to.

I read a lot of blogs, many of my friends write them and I generally shake my head and think, yes, thank you for articulating what my heart feels.  Most of them write from the same depth of sorrow as me.  I started this almost 18 months ago as a place of self-healing.  Boy was I wrong.  There is no healing from this.  What I mean to say is that it is survivable, but healing is for illness.  I’m not ill, but I guess you could say I’m heart-sick.  I get so frustrated with myself.  Deep wounds such as the one my husband had from his surgery that became infected, needed to heal from the inside out.  I’m afraid I’ve covered my wound with a Band-Aid and it never healed from the inside first.  Society reminds us that grief is a stage, not a place to stay.  I’d most like to say to society right now, F-CK YOU.  This hurts.  Layer by layer my soul is being eaten away by this grief.

No, I have absolutely NOT lost my faith.  I can’t wait to get to heaven – but I have to.  People move on with their lives and here I am.  What a miserable place to be.  My doctor asked me recently if I thought I was depressed.  I should have said, probably.  I don’t believe I am clinically depressed but my life without him is depressing.  It’s very difficult to look for a future when there really isn’t one that I can envision.  I’m tired.  I am tired of feeling like I am chained to a broken heart.  I’m tired of thinking about what am I going to do?  It’s exhausting.  Right after my husband died, I slept very well.  I surprised myself, even.  But the last year or so have been awful for a full night sleep.

I hope my decisions for the future are ones that he will agree with.  Because already, one of our future plans for me has changed but it’s like his death, out of my control.   I know for sure, I am beyond sad.  Many widowed bloggers talk about the second year being the most difficult.  Today I know what they mean.

I have to say that I have always felt that writing my feelings down on paper was cleansing and since starting my husband’s CaringBridge® and sharing his illness and our thoughts and fears with people, I have continued to do that.  I like reading blogs where there is hope and a realization that everything is going to be okay.  I loved writing those types of updates – they were real, honest, raw feelings filled with hope.  I don’t seem to be there at the moment though.

I want to move at a quicker pace and not stay stuck in these feelings.  Despite our conversations, I know he would want me to be happy – I just don’t know what that looks like right now.  I took a step in letting go.  I deactivated his Facebook.  It’s not like he could respond to anybody.  It hurt.  It was painful and I cried.

Of Love and Fear – The beginning

March 1 2016
It was the second week of November 2010.  Keith was heading into day-surgery to have his port placement.  I needed something other than my earbuds and music, so I quickly made my way to the gift shop while he was being prepped.

I found what I was looking for.  It felt strange to look for hope in an object outside of faith. But there is was – FAITH & HOPE! I think I needed to do something with my hands, something to hold … there was no thought of thumbing through magazines… Who could concentrate on words?

There I sat, my world crumbling, listening to the words of “Nights in Rodanthe” sung by Emmylou Harris.  My mind could not stop going to a bad place.  It was just under two weeks of finding out he had cancer and three days after the diagnosis:peritoneal carcinomatosis – mucinous adenocarcinoma of appendiceal origin.

I was lost, sitting in an open room with others waiting for their loved ones, all by myself in every sense of the word.  The procedure was simple and would not take long to place in his chest.  But there was a waiting period afterward and then he was sent off to x-ray to make sure the port was placed where it needed to be, and that’s when the general surgeon came out to tell me he did well with the placement.  I had been in my own little world and must have looked and sounded as if I had just heard the news my husband succumbed to the disease.   I looked up when I heard, “Mrs. Surges” and that was it.  I lost it.  I sobbed, right then and there.  This procedure was nothing compared to what Keith would endure in the future.  The surgeon looked at me as I was trying to catch my breath and apologize for my emotions, “This is scary, serious stuff – I know.”  From that day forward, I never apologized for my emotions (unless I couldn’t get the words out, more an apology for the delay … you know I’ve spoken before about the sobbing snot-cry … not pretty).

I so needed to find a way to put my game-face on for Keith.  I did, and would do again, anything for that man.  Chemo was going to begin in two days.  Our lives forever changed by the word cancer, our hearts full of love for each other and the thought of how scary and serious this “stuff” was, brought out a fearlessness like I had never known.  I could do whatever it took to the save my husband.  In the end, I have no doubt he was saved from the cancer and the unfairness of it all.

I’m not the same person I was in November 2010 – I am a better person.  I have always been a kind person and have always been a caregiver.  I don’t hold on to metal pieces anymore.  I still listen to Nights in Rodanthe and cry.  It’s a musical score in a movie by the same name about love and loss and how to pick up the pieces in the face of tragedy I am living my life as Keith would have me live it; without fanfare, without guilt and without feeling the need to say I’m sorry for my emotions.  I think I use my emotions productively.  I hold onto the beautiful memories I had with Keith secure in the knowledge that I truly did help save him.

The world just had Rare Disease Day on February 29th.  It is sad that Keith didn’t get to lend his own voice but I believe my voice is a combination of both.

Ripples and Circles


This photo was taken off the shore of Waikiki, two blocks from Diamond Head, in June of 2012 during our first visit to Hawaii.

A slight wind or pebble in the water will make a ripple and spread out to sea.  Keith is a ripple inside of me.  With his love and with my memories, I brave the  often-times tumultuous waters. Life is full of ebb and flow and I am grateful for the ability to ride these waves.

I wrote this on Keith’s CaringBridge site on January 28, 2014 as the decision was made to bring him home from the hospital with Hospice Care:

“Both of us believe today that no matter what transpires, our love will cross the heavens and earth and will hold strong until our souls are entwined again. We believe God mapped this out for us. He brought us together because He knew what each of us would need from beginning to end. I won’t pretend to understand how God knows I am the one who will endure, but I have faith enough in His purpose for me.”

As promised in my last blog update, I have some exciting news to share – I know I am a week delayed, so hopefully nobody has held their breath for my news!

Effective this evening, I am officially a member of the Board of Directors for the PMP Research Foundation.  

This is the full circle that I mentioned before.  What does full circle mean, anyway?  We all start somewhere and we end somewhere; first the womb, and (my belief that) in the end, heaven. But the middle holds a lot!  I met Keith, we fell in love, we created a beautiful life and then he died.  That was a full circle.  Lucky for us, we can link these circles together, and my joining the Board, does this!  It is with Keith’s love and I know, his blessing, that I continue my personal advocacy, awareness and support for those being treated and who will be treated for appendix cancer and pseudomyxoma peritonei.  Forever linked with these memories of Keith, the decision I made a year ago to be a background volunteer for the PMPRF has come full circle!

This is a huge personal gain,  for those who know me.  I am very much a team player, but have always preferred to play in the background.  The time for me is now.  With the support of my family and friends, and especially the other Board Members, I am ready to tackle my very first national public appearance on behalf of the PMPRF.  Arizona here I come!  I can’t think of a better place to be on Valentine’s Day than to be supporting our organization with amazing love in my heart!  One of the best things Keith did for me was to constantly tell me that he was proud of me for helping others all throughout our marriage.  The key for me now is to remember his sweet words and carry them with me.  After all, it is because of him and my love for him, that I am paying his life forward.

A little background of the PMPRF:

The PMP Research Foundation is an IRS-designated 501(c)3 charitable organization. The Foundation was created in 2008 by a community of individuals affected by Pseudomyxoma Peritonei (PMP), Appendix Cancer, and related Peritoneal Surface Malignancies (PSM).”

“Our organization exists to support and fund promising research that moves us toward a cure for pseudomyxoma peritonei (PMP), appendix cancer, and related peritoneal surface malignancies (PSM). We also endeavor to support the PMP, appendix cancer and PSM community of patients and their caregivers by providing the latest, most accurate information about the best practices in managing their disease.”

The truth is I am still so very much in love with Keith.  I can’t help but believe he is also in love with me – eternally.



By His Grace

Psalm 34:18
18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.

In our house, in our home, God is present and made His presence known in a big way while Keith made his long transition home.  The God I felt during that time is the God I seek today with the knowledge that I too, saw His work, His grace, and His love.  While I’ve never doubted His leaving my side, it is only through Him that I find the strength to endure the loneliness.  He has kept me from dying a spiritual death and gives me the strength to carry on.  I must say Amen for His promises.

I don’t expect everyone to have the same faith that I do but I hope that God, however He manifests himself to people, that they feel something bigger than themselves.  If we allow for this in our lives, the doors of life and opportunity are everywhere we look.  If we wake every day with the thought that today I promise something good for myself, the heavy weight of disappointment in our lives (whether from illness or accident or mean-spirited people) can be managed and logically put in a place where it needs to be, and not a constant gnawing at us that will eat away every energy cell that we have.  I have allowed that to happen to me from time to time but find that if I listen, if I truly listen to my heart where my God lives, I can manage and enjoy the good things in life.  Like family.  Like friends.  Like nature.  Something good for myself is waking up and saying “Thank you for another day”.  It’s appreciation of one’s self and appreciation of others that I believe make us stronger human beings.

My vacation in Florida was wonderful.  To come face to face with people who I have interacted with for 4-1/2 years through cyber space was and always will be a highlight of my life.  You would not imagine that internet friendship could be built with the same intensity that in-person friendships create.  What is beautiful about these friendships is that there are never any expectations from each other.  We just are.  We just love each other as if we are family.  We totally get each other.  Some are patients, some are caregivers and somehow we overlap each other so well that cancer (even through tragedy) takes a back seat when it comes to being together.  One of my favorite quotes is:

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What? You, too?” I thought I was the only one.”
-C.S. Lewis

I wish I could see myself ten years from now.  It seems I need to continue to grab those energy cells one by one still and live in the moment and today, I am very happy to do that. I want to make measurable (to me) strides that are significant in the hopes that by doing this, I can help others to do that too.

Next week one of my goals will come full circle and I can’t wait to share it with you!


Goodbye 2015

Hello 2016! 

To_VID8854night will be only be the second New Year’s Eve I’ve spent by myself in 55 years. I don’t mind really; I plan to make myself a halfway decent home cooked meal, and count my blessings for what I have to celebrate.  And I know, though I cannot physically feel him, Keith will be holding my hand.


To those who read this blog, thanks for always encouraging me to continue.  It’s been a year since I started writing here and it has helped me a lot to deal with the grief of losing my husband and in the process I share these thoughts as honestly and openly as possible.  While sometimes it may prove to be too much information, they are such raw feelings when they make their way to paper for whomever chooses to read.  I’ve always been a writer and that was the one class that I excelled in during school.  It comes easy to me – easier than speaking because I can pause when I want to and just type away and go back and edit my many run-on sentences.  I’m glad the grammar police haven’t found their way here … yet!

I want to thank my on-line friends for being here for me 24/7 and for those of us who have built amazing, life-time friendships, wow – who knew?  I freely admit to being an on-line junkie.  I spend from the wee hours of the morning to late hours at night here.  And you’ve all been there with me throughout the day and night!

Thank you to my friends and family that have checked on me and spent time with me – you will never know how much that has meant to me and I know, because Keith and I talked a lot about that; what would happen after he was gone, would friendships struggle going forward.  I can honestly say that some friendships were actually strengthened and have become more than an occasional acquaintance over this past year.

Some relationships have gone away and Keith and I talked about that happening too, but honestly they weren’t much of a relationship to begin with – for Keith or for me, so I’m working on the forgiveness aspect and moving forward in 2016 with those who care to be a part of my life.  People that make excuses that they are too busy or too whatever, really are not invested and it takes years of tears to overcome that harsh reality.  I have never had a problem with honesty, it’s the only way I know how to be, but one of my goals for 2016 is to be drama free.

So again, thank you friends and family that have been here – for the long haul.

Happy Trails!

When Keith was healthy we took a few road trips and we took a couple of vacations, but it wasn’t until we started living in the moment that our traveling really took off.  I think I got my maternal grandma’s gypsy spirit … of course I wish Keith were sitting next to me on the plane or in the car, but in some capacity I know that he still is.

So an amazing group of on-line “family” have gotten together to bring me to Florida in January!  I am blessed by a pre-paid plane ticket by a wonderful woman who I pray will be well enough to be there and for me to hug in person, and the homes of three beautiful women who have graciously invited me to stay in their homes.  When I was told of this trip, honestly, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that they would think to get me there (which I was working on anyway) but this just worked out so perfectly for all of us that well, again, I am just so blessed and grateful for their friendship.  Florida in January when you live in Chicago, yes please!

In February, I will be attending an International Cancer Symposium which requires travel to Arizona.  Arizona in February when you live in Chicago, yes please!  As a volunteer for the PMP Research Foundation, I will represent this amazing organization with pride.  We are an all-volunteer charity working hard by providing hope for current and future patients..  Funding research for this specific cancer is what we do, by generous donations and benefactors.  Supporting educational seminars is as important to the public as it is to physicians and we are proud to sponsor events like this.  Providing, up to date treatment information, clinical and research information is what we strive for.

And giving support to patients, caregivers and friends of those diagnosed, is important to me.  I was able to do this for Keith and in many ways, I am blessed to continue doing this through him and his never-ending love for me.


2016 means other changes for me as well.  My youngest daughter and her two children are getting married!  Yes, I did say the kids are getting married because they are a family unit and I cannot be more happy for her and them as this blending becomes an incredible mix of nothing but love.  I am blessed that I will have a son-in-law who is so caring, loving, hard-working and respectful to my daughter.  He reminds me so much of Keith in his attitude and ethics.  God bless their marriage always.

This marriage also means a change for my living situation.  My loving grandson (4 years old in the coming month) likes to remind me daily that “Grandma, you are a very, very old lady” and sometimes, with all the chaos in our house, I think he’s right!  I have never lived alone so once I figure out whether I sell or stay (although this is an awfully big house for one person) I am going to embrace the change.  Talking to a friend recently, she explained how empowering it was for her to live alone.  It’s just going to be different.  And I will finally get to be a grandma for these two kids, instead of another parent – bonus!

2016 means, as I said above, drama free.  I am not big on making resolutions because I usually break them (fairly quickly).  But I am going to try to eat better – I will never be perfect with diet because I love good food and I love bad food too.  I love donuts.  I love greasy french fries.  But to be really drama free, I have to be better at my choices so I don’t create a health drama!

Letting go of hurt and changing my way of thinking will greet me tomorrow.  Forgiveness is something I have worked on this year and I have not been very successful.  Some pain runs so deep that I’ve thought that only God can forgive those transgressions.  I prayed a lot and asked forgiveness from Him in my ability to not be so forgiving.  I have never intentionally hurt someone and if I have unintentionally done that, when made aware, I beg forgiveness.  I am not perfect; I am human but I do know that after the last five years of my life, there is nothing more important than being with those you love and making time for them.  I take nothing for granted in this life because it can change in an instant.  Forgiveness only needs to be in my heart and I think I have that worked out.  It will never change circumstances and will never change the past, but it will allow me to say, with a clear conscience, yes, I am able to move forward – without fan-fare, without drama.  I’ve learned that all I have to do is “walk away” from things that bother me, now that is empowering!

Happiness and Music

I am choosing happy.  One of the last conversations that Keith and I had been about happiness.  No, I will never “get over” his death.  But I am, as I have said several times, happy that he does not have cancer.

I am happy with the person that I am.  I am happy to do good work to honor this man who honored me with his love and with his life.  My love will always be with him, but as he always told me, “honey, you have the biggest heart of anyone I know”.  I believe him now – because I still have this ability to care about others.  I am not angry, really never have been and sadness sometimes creeps in for what may have been, but I am happy to be alive and happy that I have children and grandchildren and some parents still living; I have siblings and in-laws and cousins and aunts and uncles and friends!  I am loved and that makes me happy.

Music is also my happy place.  Some music shakes me to the core and I cry because it is so beautiful and speaks just to me –to my memories of Keith and us and to my memories of our son, my sister and brother and others who have gone before me.  Some music reminds me of friends and good times spent together.  And my favorite music is the music that reminds me of Keith and I where I literally get butterflies in my stomach because they were “our songs” and give me the feeling of I can’t wait to see him again feelings of love!  Those are the absolute best!

Happy New Year!

May yours be healthy and prosperous and full of love and friendship.  For me, I am counting my blessings.  God bless you all.

11-Months a Carousel

Keith Eternal FlameI remember through the years always hearing that as you get older, the time passes more quickly.  That could not be more true than it is today.  Where have the last 11 months gone that my love left this earth?

What have I done with this time?  Have I honored the memory of the one that completed me?   Have I made him proud?

As I methodically move through this next month preparing for one year, (which actually seems inconceivable to me) I realize that the 9th of the month holds such a love-hate emotion within me.  Surely there is something important that I am not remembering about all of this; some connection to a date that will forever be burned into my memory.  What hope was there when God said “Come with me”.  For the suffering endured, for the sadness and worry to end, a celebration ensued.  It was over.  That was it.  An Event.  I must get over the date and remember the celebration.  This is what I am going to work on.  I am going to remember the joyful fact that this man, my man, my love and my life is in a place that none of this earthly grief matters.

There is a surface on which I build my future.  One deep layer is sparked by that eternal flame living within me; the love that will never die.  God has promised me that I just need to turn to Him and He will see me through.  Good thing He is there for me because there are times when I feel so very alone.  This is the hard part.  Even still, His presence known, I have never experienced such an emptiness.  I can describe my sadness and grief at the loss of parents and grandparents and siblings, and I can describe the hole left by the death of our son.  I am lost.

I am the child that sits on the carousel, as the music continues to play that is searching quickly with her eyes for the parents who brought her there.  Around and around I go but there is no security when I stop.  Keith brought me to that carousel and I have nobody to hold my hand when I walk down from it.  I am alone.  There is no one or no thing that will ever replace the love and security he gave me.  But if I hold steadfast to my knowledge of all things beautiful will be together in heaven, then I will take this as my hand-holding moving forward and let the music continue to play.

I am really okay, but some days are difficult.  When a grandchild has such tears of sadness and sobs with the pain of missing her grandfather, those moments take my breath away.  They make my heart hurt physically and make me lose myself in the grief.  Today is a difficult day and I don’t mind sharing that, but I am still a woman blessed.  I am most-loved by an Angel in heaven.  I love you and I miss you, Keith.

Raw Emotion

Darn it!FullSizeRender (3)  Just when you think you have made amazing strides in your own recovery from losing your spouse and you have explored every emotion known, something creeps in and tells you whoa, not so fast.  Bring those feelings in a little closer and let’s look at them, shall we?  I’m feeling a bit like a disgruntled employee.  I want to complain to the hierarchy, but I am the hierarchy in this mess.

I went from having an amazing week two weeks ago, feeling good about life and what it has to offer, had an incredible last visit with my social worker Marcia from hospice which included my hospice chaplain Jeromy and the most amazing, spiritual, God-blessed communion with the two of them and Keith’s presence felt so strongly that there was nothing that could bring down the love and gratitude and safe feelings I experienced. So I thought.

I went to visit Keith today and put beautiful fall flowers in his vase.  I had hoped it would brighten my somber mood as I sat there crying that I want him back.  That is both selfish and unrealistic, I know – but we can’t help what we can’t help.  I was all ready with my bucket and scrub brush when I left the house to clean the stone, but my head was obviously not in it because I neither brought jugs of water or the soap!  There are spigots all over the cemetery but it’s well water and you can’t use that on the headstones.  We are right next to a dirt path that will eventually get paved, so all the mud and yuk is staining the stone pretty badly … I’m glad I bought bright flowers.  I normally feel such great relief after visiting, but this time it only brought me sadness for my selfish self. I will seek refuge in God again to bring me through this.

I’ve spent many hours over the past two weeks pouring over medical records.  I don’t know why I’m doing it.  I’m reliving the past 5 years.  Yes, October 29th will be 5 years that the CT Scan showed so much cancer and our life as we knew it changed. I go back 8 years and find the pathology from that stupid single colon polyp and don’t know how I missed this before, HIGH GRADE adenocarcinoma in-situ.  Does it change anything?  No.  Does it change the course of action?  No.  Does it make me angry? Yes.  I know, it was just a polyp – a single polyp that had not invaded the colon itself, (which by the way was at the bottom of the cecum right where the appendix hangs from) and future scopes were clear.  What if they had gone in when pathology became available and they had done a right hemi-colectomy.  Yes, the future clearly indicated appendix cancer mostly low-grade with 50% mucinous tumors, but that dual diagnosis of colonic-type adenocarcinoma aggressive –  I’m driving myself crazy with these thoughts.  What if that cauterization of single polyp caused cells to escape and get into the appendix and cause this?  I’m grasping at straws and it doesn’t change things.

I don’t know if it’s the time of year but leading up to the next two months it’s difficult not to remember how things were … and his last 3 days of he went through – what I and his closest circle went through.  This is not what I want to remember, but it keeps popping into my head.  Sure, he was in a medically induced coma-like state, but we weren’t.  I despise reliving that.

As my last post indicated, these emotions come and go.  I’m not alone.  Talking with other appendix cancer family who have lost their spouses to this disease, we’re all in the same boat.

My nature is actually more positive than this post.  Nobody wants to hear or read that you’re really not okay because they don’t know what to say or do and they can’t make it better.  What are you supposed to say when someone asks “how are you doing”?  I’m doing the best that I can in a situation that was neither wanted, needed, or expected.  Have I accepted it?  Yes.  But I’m lonely and missing the man that gave me everything and I miss doing things for him – things that made him happy and proud.

So, in ending this update I will just ask if you are reading this to pray that these darker days emerge with abundant sunshine of wonderful memories of a man so loved and so missed.