Summer is upon us.  June is one of “those months” … reminders.  The 9th will be 2-1/2 years that my husband took his last breath and the day I lost a huge piece of my heart .  The 16th will be 5 years that we renewed our vows at a surprise anniversary party.  The 18th will mark 5 years that we first stepped onto the Island of Oahu in what became our personal glimpse of heaven. The 22nd … we would have been married 23 years.

I am sad.  I am happy.  Some days I truly feel bipolar with the up and down emotions.  But most of all, I am so grateful for what was, for what always will be in my heart.  I am a survivor.  I am hopeful.  I am free from doubt.

Today I stand in front of the mirror and tell myself that I am strong.  I have overcome obstacles personally and spiritually that I shouldn’t have had to in my mid 50’s and I know that I am not alone in the space created by death.

I was asked recently “How do you like living alone?” The answer is complex.

I love it for the fact that I am able to do what I want when I want with no accountability to anyone but me.  If I want to stay up through the middle of the night and sleep in the next day, there is nothing stopping me.  I fix what I want to eat when I want to eat it.  There are no rules and I can make them up as I go along.  My memories sustain me every day.

The second part of that question is that more than anything, I wish my husband did not die.  I wish that appendix cancer did not ravage his body.  I wish that there were better treatments so that I could be sitting next to him and deciding together what we would eat, when we would go to bed and what we would do for the day.  So, the long and short of it, I love it and I hate it.  Once again, up and down in a very bipolar way.  Unfortunately there are no medications to help that part.  I do believe the future will hold hope for others when surgical cure is not possible.

My purpose in life changes often, but the changes are always purposeful.

My purpose this June is to enjoy my memories and remember the love that always will be.

 

 

It’s June.

2 thoughts on “It’s June.

  1. My month is always November…but June has become one too. June 2nd we list our brother in law, Ray, to pancreatic cancer in 2012. Hard to believe it’s been 5 years. Love the idea of “joy in the midst of sorrow”. Blessings as you continue on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This June 10th, our oldest grandson, Jason Erik Harmon will marry his sweetheart and fiancee, Gwendolyn who he met in the Phillipine Islands when he visited there. Theirs was a long and separated courtship while she got her paperwork ready to come to the USA. She has a 2 year old boy named Raven also. Her family still lives there in the Phillipines. Dorene and their family are there in North Carolina getting ready for the big day tomorrow. Grandpa and I stayed home to better care for him and the 2 dogs. He still is on a feeding tube and will soon have another barium swallow test to see if he is strong enough and co-ordinated enough in the swallowing area to pass this test. So far he has failed and has nothing by mouth. Its been 18 weeks since his esophagectomy/partial gastrectomy. He is stronger and our main hope and prayer is that he will recover that skill. Most of us just swallow without thinking much about it. It is so automatic. Did you know there are 7 mechanisms in your throat area that has to co-ordinate to allow you to swallow without choking or aspirating matter into your lungs!?? Wow! You live and learn as you go, don’t you as individuals? June 18th is Jason’s 40th birthday! He will have a new wife, a new son and a puppy and a new house to help celebrate! He waited a long time to get that! What a way to celebrate such an important milestone! And, the 22nd is also the….first day of summer! Enjoy the sun and flowers and blue skies with fluffy white clouds. Life is good even if some rain falls too! We do need the rain as well as the sunshine! Love, Aunt Sandy and Uncle Bob!

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