What I wouldn’t give for another dream of him holding me.  Memories flood my mind constantly.  I think this is a good thing but then I wonder if they wash me like a torrential downpour because I am living again.

My heart has the enormous vacancy that only the memories of my dear Keith can fill, but I’m truly finding joy in special moments.  I mean yes, there are often hours of enjoyment, but the moments are the ones that I treasure.  I cry a lot these days.  These are not tears of sadness (all of the time) but tears because a moment, a story, a song – has moved me.  What I feel so deep in my soul is the ache of those around me.  It’s like I have this intense sense that I am connected more than ever to others, my mind searches for these connections.   Compassion can empower you to dig deeper into yourself to forge a relationship with these connections like you’ve never realized.  What I mean is, yes, most of us feel compassion that another person is going through something, but I am talking about taking time out of your day to think about, talk with, smile at, lend a hand, and pray for them.  What added meaning to my life this is when I hone in on those connections that I just “feel”.  I cannot change what happened to my husband or change what others are going through but I can love others – and I do.

Transformations are obvious to everyone who has their eyes open.  I’m still in that process and with eyes fixated on the mountain that I’m climbing, I still have the ability to feel.  The pain of losing my husband is as deep as some of these cliffs and I often free-fall knowing that, by faith, I will be lifted right back up.  It is not easy to describe faith, but if you feel it, if you trust it, if you grasp it with all that you have, free-falls are not as painful as they might be.  What brings me to this mountain?  Self-discovery is limitless because as the clock rounds the day, tomorrow feelings may be different.  They often say to “sleep” on a decision.  Feelings often change or the intensity of them changes over time.

IMG_0521For those who have experienced this grief so heavy before me, I’ve heard it said that time heals all wounds.  I’m not sure my heart will ever heal, but I can say with certainty that the pain is different than it was 28 months ago when he died.  I don’t cry every day for him, but every day I miss him more.  I don’t feel the need to kiss his photo every night, but some nights I still do.  I don’t sit for hours and wonder if he is watching my every move, but I feel his presence at times.  I don’t feel that I’ve been given a life unbearable to live, but there are those free-fall moments that take my breath away.  I don’t look at his photos and cry anymore, but I look at them often and smile because he was such a gorgeous man (inside especially) and out.  With each rotten thing that happens like expensive plumbing repairs, I don’t break down like I did, but I do get reminded with memories of how he took care of everything.

It is now springtime, and the rain is in great supply reminding me of the new growth I see in the neighborhood.  The trees are budding and day-lilies and daffodils already in bloom – life is renewed.  My life, my love, and my hope for the future are renewed too.  Keith gave me that gift before he left this earth.  I was the very last person he said “I love you” to.  In life and death, it doesn’t get much better than that.  This was his gift to me for sure.

Moments

3 thoughts on “Moments

  1. Your and Keith’s love and relationship is a gift from God and will continue always. Glad you can cry less and smile more at the photos and memories. Makes my heart happy to see you embracing life again. Love you seester! xoxo

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  2. Dear, dear Therese! I feel some of your pain. When Uncle Bob was recovering from his latest esophageal carcinoma we had a scare worse than the original surgery to remove his esophagus and a rim of his lower stomach. He developed aspiration pneumonia. He went back into ICU with his ventilator back in place. When they called me to the hospital since his condition had changed I had the scariest night watching the crew and the special nurse reverse his dire condition to a more stable condition. It was more scary than his initial operation. He was sedated for a week while he recovered from the pneumonia. I was at the hospital and by his side every day except 3 days when I was sick. He didn’t die and I told him not to die or he would break my heart. I know that feeling. He is slowly getting better. It has been 3 months since his surgery and we have home health care people coming to the house everyday and as many as three people a day helping him get stronger. He is still on a jtube feeding tube. He can only swallow ice chips (1 to 2 at a time) and the swallowing issue is also what we are working on to strengthen those 7 mechanisms that you need to be able to do what most of us don’t even think of since it is so automatic. Tongue exercises and “hard swallow” practice and sitting at a 90 degree angle to prevent choking or another trip to the hospital with aspiration pneumonia. I told him I wanted him to “fire” me as his caregiver because he is sometimes nasty and brutal. He said he can’t afford to do that…..and besides, he has spent too much money on me already. Is that “love” or what! lol It isn’t easy, but I do still love him and get over the frustration and fatigue of being “there” for him and to help in on his way. Boy, I do go on and on…..sorry! I love you and appreciate all you went through with your beloved Keith.

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