Raw Emotion

Darn it!FullSizeRender (3)  Just when you think you have made amazing strides in your own recovery from losing your spouse and you have explored every emotion known, something creeps in and tells you whoa, not so fast.  Bring those feelings in a little closer and let’s look at them, shall we?  I’m feeling a bit like a disgruntled employee.  I want to complain to the hierarchy, but I am the hierarchy in this mess.

I went from having an amazing week two weeks ago, feeling good about life and what it has to offer, had an incredible last visit with my social worker Marcia from hospice which included my hospice chaplain Jeromy and the most amazing, spiritual, God-blessed communion with the two of them and Keith’s presence felt so strongly that there was nothing that could bring down the love and gratitude and safe feelings I experienced. So I thought.

I went to visit Keith today and put beautiful fall flowers in his vase.  I had hoped it would brighten my somber mood as I sat there crying that I want him back.  That is both selfish and unrealistic, I know – but we can’t help what we can’t help.  I was all ready with my bucket and scrub brush when I left the house to clean the stone, but my head was obviously not in it because I neither brought jugs of water or the soap!  There are spigots all over the cemetery but it’s well water and you can’t use that on the headstones.  We are right next to a dirt path that will eventually get paved, so all the mud and yuk is staining the stone pretty badly … I’m glad I bought bright flowers.  I normally feel such great relief after visiting, but this time it only brought me sadness for my selfish self. I will seek refuge in God again to bring me through this.

I’ve spent many hours over the past two weeks pouring over medical records.  I don’t know why I’m doing it.  I’m reliving the past 5 years.  Yes, October 29th will be 5 years that the CT Scan showed so much cancer and our life as we knew it changed. I go back 8 years and find the pathology from that stupid single colon polyp and don’t know how I missed this before, HIGH GRADE adenocarcinoma in-situ.  Does it change anything?  No.  Does it change the course of action?  No.  Does it make me angry? Yes.  I know, it was just a polyp – a single polyp that had not invaded the colon itself, (which by the way was at the bottom of the cecum right where the appendix hangs from) and future scopes were clear.  What if they had gone in when pathology became available and they had done a right hemi-colectomy.  Yes, the future clearly indicated appendix cancer mostly low-grade with 50% mucinous tumors, but that dual diagnosis of colonic-type adenocarcinoma aggressive –  I’m driving myself crazy with these thoughts.  What if that cauterization of single polyp caused cells to escape and get into the appendix and cause this?  I’m grasping at straws and it doesn’t change things.

I don’t know if it’s the time of year but leading up to the next two months it’s difficult not to remember how things were … and his last 3 days of he went through – what I and his closest circle went through.  This is not what I want to remember, but it keeps popping into my head.  Sure, he was in a medically induced coma-like state, but we weren’t.  I despise reliving that.

As my last post indicated, these emotions come and go.  I’m not alone.  Talking with other appendix cancer family who have lost their spouses to this disease, we’re all in the same boat.

My nature is actually more positive than this post.  Nobody wants to hear or read that you’re really not okay because they don’t know what to say or do and they can’t make it better.  What are you supposed to say when someone asks “how are you doing”?  I’m doing the best that I can in a situation that was neither wanted, needed, or expected.  Have I accepted it?  Yes.  But I’m lonely and missing the man that gave me everything and I miss doing things for him – things that made him happy and proud.

So, in ending this update I will just ask if you are reading this to pray that these darker days emerge with abundant sunshine of wonderful memories of a man so loved and so missed.

12 thoughts on “Raw Emotion

  1. I’m praying for you Therese. BTW, the flowers look beautiful! Maybe God will provide some rain to clear off some of the dust from the path. ☺

    I love you and your raw emotiona. No, I can’t change things; no I don’t have words to make the pain subside; but I can be an ear for you to bend, and a shoulder to cry on and the gal who provides the Bailey’s by the fire so you can relax!

    xoxo
    J

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  2. Oh my beautiful, dear, incredibly amazing, loving and supportive friend… there IS nothing to say that can take this all away for you because if there was, I would screaming it to the rooftops – everyone would hear me loud and clear. You absolutely have my most heartfelt, loving and meaningful prayers that the dark times will lift from you very soon and that if even if it is just the slightest glimmer of light, that it shines on your beautiful face so gently, even if for just a moment. I know it is not what you wanted Therese, but I cried and am crying having read this post. Yes, some of the crying are very sad tears from pain aching deep down in my heart yet i think some of the tears feel okay – because I love your and Keith’s love. I love you. I love him. I love that God brought us in to each other’s lives. I love how deeply the two of you loved and still love each other. I love that you can cleanse yourself by letting this out and sharing it with anyone and everyone that wants to read this. This is life. This is real. You have experienced something that I wish no one ever had to. Something so many cannot related to. You cannot pretend. You are loved so very much… I am wrapping my arms around you now, with my eyes closed, giving you the biggest smooch and squeezing tight. God ease her pain… Amen. XOXO

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  3. Lawdy! Lawdy! Lawdy! Therese …Good Grief Charlie Brown…your problems are so small compared to Therese and her loss of Keith! Maybe the new Peanuts movie is something to look forward to with the grandkids! Those little cartoon characters have a way of turning grief into joyous laughter. For the dark times in your life I wish I could veer you onto a brighter track so that you “whoosh”! through that darkness like a rollercoaster car splashing through a mud puddle. Oh, that it were so easy! I think we mortal men cannot erase the woe and the sadness and the dwelling on the worst times in our life. Your idea to contact God and have him take away your pain and sorrow is the most powerful ally you can rely on! I pray so very sincerely that that lifting and life that is so incredibly happy is coming your way as swiftly as He can grant it. I believe God is the answer and whatever you wish for and ask for in His Holy Name will happen….all you and I and we have to do is believe in it and believe in Him and He will grant it. It may not come as you envision it but it will come in His All Powerful All Loving Way! Denise’s reply is so heartfelt and sad and comforting all at the same time. She touches me as well as you do. I love you and Jeannie and all your friends who offer you comfort and understanding. There isn’t a family member that I do not love as they are such a part of me whether alive or dead. They will never be forgotten by me! Love and Kisses, Aunt Sandy

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  4. I love you too my dear Seester. So blessed to have you; so blessed to have had Keith for the wonderful years he was with our family. As Joe Biden said today… and I never quote politicians, however, this was something significant, and I paraphrase “Hopefully one day we can think of our loved ones who have left with a smile and not a tear.” There will always be a smile when I remember Keith, but tears are still frequent. I pray for healing of the heart and beautiful memories always to console and remind us of the happy and beautiful times. xoxo J

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  5. I am praying for you Therese. Just as you don’t know how to respond when people ask how you are doing, I don’t know what words I could possibly say that would help or offer any insight. Please know that you are loved, you’re not alone, and the God who hears our prayers is the same today as He was yesterday and will be tomorrow.
    All my love.

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  6. I have not experienced exactly what you have… I am so sorry these dark days have invaded.
    I am still learning. I am about to celebrate our one year anniversary since my husbands passing. He too battled the ugliness of cancer. And thoughbmy experience differs frombyours, I believe I can sympathize deeply with that sense of loneliness and loss. The ashes may cover the beauty, but it is still there, we will discover it as we sift through the many memories. May we be found faithful to the legacy and the love our heavenly father has blessed us with, in the midst of circumstances that are less then ideal.
    Blessings to you, a sister sojourner in this journey through grief as a widow.

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  7. Thank you for your kind words. It’s almost inconceivable that one could be so alone and be surrounded by so many. Your description of sifting through the memories is the only way I see going forward. Thank you for that and may God bless you, too.

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  8. Therese, I can’t even imagine how you must feel not having Keith present with you, so I want to send you a hug because I don’t know what else to say:( Although I do believe it is him that helps you get through these tough dark times but I will be praying for you to stay strong. xoxoxoxoxo

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