When Keith died it was with such bitter-sweetness. When he closed his eyes for the last time and went into that dreamlike state, he had a tremendous amount of love in his heart. Not only from me and for me, but for and from everyone who knew him. The love that he showered me with will in fact last me a lifetime. I had to let go of the man who was suffering in this earthly body and give him back to God. I knew this had to be done with God’s help because there is no way, absolutely no way that I could survive thinking for a minute that I won’t again be reunited with him. I had family with me who were sharing in these same feelings, but for different reasons. Surely Keith’s last beat made a forceful leap into my heart.
Used, with permission, my singer/songwriter friend Kenny Clark often has music that speaks directly to me. This song in particular, Feel The Same resonates my current feelings.
So now I’m left with a tremendous emptiness that’s being filled with learning how to live and having the heavy task of going forward with only memories. The memories sustain me, my faith, my family and friends are storm troopers when it comes to keeping me grounded. I’m grateful and hopeful and prayerful for all of this and yet my heart needs his and wants his love.
I celebrated 21 years of being with Keith the other day. I celebrated by listening to music and remembering. And since that day, April 8th, my heart has been pounding with excitement – like I’m going to be seeing him very soon; anticipatory excitement. Kenny’s song bring these feelings to the forefront. Right after we met, Keith and I often would take each others hand and put it directly on each others hearts … each beat was faster and faster with the love that was growing between us as if the heart would actually jump out of our chests. As we made our life together the daily hustle and bustle, work, raising kids and getting through another day didn’t always allow us the opportunity to concentrate on those feelings though clearly, they were always there. Not long before Keith died, he was sitting in his chair and he looked over at me and began to cry. He wanted to make sure I was still his best friend and that I would be his best friend when he died. He wanted to know that I would never stop loving him. I walked over to him and held him. Never, I told him, never ever. And then I put his hand on my heart so he could feel that love beating stronger and stronger by the minute. He grabbed my hand and did the same. Yes, he felt and feels the same! Oh what love we have!
Kenny’s words “You must be a dream that I never ever want to slip away”. It was not a dream. It was real life that has come to an end. I have no doubt that Keith is singing this song in heaven right now, thanking Kenny for the words to use and his heavenly heart is beating as fast as mine is for that next anticipated meeting. I am so so in love with the memories and with the man whose body is no longer next to mine. He still takes my breath away.
Kenny is also is fighting appendix cancer/pseudomyxoma peritonei with an amazing attitude! If you’d like to hear more of his music, you can do so here: http://www.reverbnation.com/kennyclark7