Reality.

The reality is that pain will suck the life out of you if you let it. Emotional pain is as draining as physical pain and I currently have both. Since Keith went to heaven, I have cried and I have laughed. I have moved forward and taken many steps backward. I’m crawling my way out now and it hurts. The pain in the pit of my stomach and the free-flowing tears seem endless.

The past week in our home has been a tough one. Our dear Abigail can’t see a picture of her papa without the tears streaming down her face saying, “I want papa to come back alive – I don’t want papa to be dead.” That starts her brother, Ben crying and doing the same – (he even woke up from a nap at preschool hysterical wanting his papa). The kids crying starts their mom crying and soon all 4 of us are crying together and I suppose that is healing in itself. Abby came into my bedroom last week and saw Keith’s picture on my nightstand and just held it and cried so hard. I told her to hold the picture – to kiss the picture because her papa can feel it that way. And when we hug his picture, he is hugging us back. Since then, I have printed the same picture and framed them for each of the kids.

This is hard living. Almost 11 months in hospice and waiting for the day that God would bring Keith home was difficult at best. My response to his death remains the same – I am so grateful that he is no longer suffering and I am even stronger in faith that God holds me also in His hands. But even God can’t take away the heart pain. I can reason with it, and accept it and embrace it even. And when I hold Keith’s photo I too feel comfort. When I pray, I feel comfort. I feel peace with Keith’s passing. So to feel worse today than I did when he died is puzzling to me. Monday will be 3 months that he’s been gone from me physically. 3 months is nothing when I had over twenty years with him. I replay our life together in my mind several times a day. I just miss him. That is all. I miss him.

I honestly didn’t think I’d get to the point I am at now, which is feeling sucker-punched. What is the difference between grief and depression? One gets better in time without medication? I feel like I am not keeping this promise that I made. “I will be okay” is what I told him. That was the day before he started physically dying. The record keeps playing on the end result. We knew for so long that Keith was going to die. We lived it, we breathed it and we slept with the knowledge that he would be going to a wonderful place called heaven. With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 2 Peter 3:8. This verse is what we held onto for many months. It will be tomorrow for him when we are spirits together once again, but 3 months for me has already been a lifetime. None of today’s pain is going to matter when it’s my time to leave this earth.

My good, happy and blessed memories are here and I need to concentrate on them. I will. I will get back to living life fully because I am a glass half-full kind of person, usually. Today the only thing filling that glass is tears. Vacation is two weeks away and I know the sun and laughter will be good for this aching soul.

Today I leave you with some thoughts as they leap across my heart.

Your love is eternal, for it lives within my heart
And though you’ve gone to heaven now, our souls will never part.
Some days the ache seems too much to bear
But if I close my eyes and calm myself, I almost feel you there.
I wake each day with thoughts of you and go to sleep the same
And when I dream at night, I want to hear you call my name.
I miss you more today than yesterday which seems so very odd,
But my love I know you are at peace in heaven with our God.

©TMS

6 thoughts on “Reality.

  1. My heart aches for you all…. If I could take away the pain I would. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing; I know it is difficult and therapeutic as well. I love you. J

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  2. You have found a good way to remember Keith in your life gouing forward by supporting the best way you can the Team Keith outgrowth and Cancer fighting cause to inform others of the rare Appendix cancer and Pseudom? (I have a hard time relating to the secondary cancer name). But, you know grief counselling would not hurt to help you find your way back from the hard parts of aching and pain of separation. You are missing a great guy and you always will to some degree. You have to give yourself a whole year to calm down what was a very chaotic roller-coaster ride. There are some very kind and understanding people out there that can and will help you through this. You have to reach out to them as it is (I think) not right for them to “recruit” you because you won’t go until you are ready. They can offer but you will just think you don’t need it ….if and until you realize you do need help. You went through a lot of pain and death in a relatively short period of time with other family members too. Keith’s was the dearest and most difficult to accept and together you did. I am very proud of you and your writings. You have a gift for writing that is God-given. You are using that gift and I can see you following that path for a very long time. God Bless you as you find your path and I know you will. Don’t be afraid to “say no” . Sometimes we overextend ourselves because we just can’t say no. I had to learn that since I could not be there for everyone that needed my help. I had to choose my way and was much more successful after that. Take my advice with a grain of salt! Whatever you can use learn from it. What you can’t use….just toss it over your shoulder with my blessing! Some tears are good but too many tears are not good. You are coping as best you can and your solutions are brilliant and seem to be working for all of you. Being so close was good for all of you but it does make the separation harder…..you just have to learn to let go on your own time schedule. Everyone grieves differently and on a different path. May you see more joy and laughter in the days ahead and I will keep praying for all of you in your sorrow! Love, Aunt Sandy

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  3. Oh how I love you my friend, and wish that I could hug you and try, though unsuccessfully, to ease your pain. You can never let Keith down because you have given him your ‘all’ and you will be ‘Okay’, just not the same. You Are strong and you will survive, and though we your family and friends can’t remove your pain, we WILL all hold you up while you are down! As I encourage my friends who are in physical pain: breathe in, breathe out, slowly, purposefully and aware, focus on the now, each moment as your breath rises and falls. Slowly, while you are quite unaware, the moments will pass, and the pain will subside. The hole it makes will never leave, but patches of newness will gradually grow and soften your whole being!

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  4. My sweet Therese. Wish I could just give you a big hug right now and cry with you. I know how special and precious your Love together was and cannot imagine but can understand these delayed feelings. Just keep the memory alive everyday and never ever forget as I know you won’t becauuse it is what is right and what is deserved and live for him as you do and Live for God as you do. You are perfectly ok and his ans his prescience is there with you inside your heart. I would rather cry a river and have every memory staring me in the face than to just be ok and try to live without if you know what I mean. This is the way it is supposed to be until something or someone tells you it’s not and that time may or may not come. Whatever shall be will be. I absolutely cannot wait to meet you!!! Love Ya,
    Kenny

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