Unconditionally

Happy New Year!

I’ve been thinking about “subjects” and what is most important to me in writing this blog? Unfortunately my mind runs amuck often with different ideas, depending on what time of day it is. What continually keeps repeating in my head is the story. I used to have a saying as my background imagine on Facebook “Maybe it’s not about the happy ending. Maybe it’s about the story”. So I think mostly, I need to keep talking about “our story” – the story that has made me the person I am today.
One way in particular that I thought it might be helpful for me was to draw on memories – tell a story about a particular place, time or event. Share with you experiences and maybe even what I learned from them. I was thinking, why not do a 365 day memory? I quickly realized that definitely puts a lot of pressure on me to make sure I blog every single day – not going to happen. It might happen twice in a day, every day for a while or once a week…who knows, could be less than that! I am trying to make this a no expectations adventure. This makes it more healing for me because without expectation, I can just let thoughts and memories emerge from my heart and not have to put fore-thought into anything. That’s not my intent in writing.

I have never been one to like or accept accolades – it’s not in my nature. Of course when I worked outside the home it was always nice to hear “good job” but other than that, I’m pretty much ok with just being accepted for the person I am. When I was writing in caring bridge I had a lot of people tell me that I need to write a book because they enjoy my writing. I would explain that I write like I talk. If I pause in talking, there is going to be a comma placed in the sentence whether it grammatically belongs there or not! If I have run-on thoughts (I do have plenty of those) there is going to be a lot of dashes – you know, how when you need to get to the point!

I was at a New Year’s Day party at my sister’s house. Two of her friends approached me. One said my writing helped her in a unique way with her feelings of her dad because her dad was so much like Keith in his own dealings with dying. She also felt that I was able to help her understand and empathize because as I wrote about Keith and me, it is exactly the way she feels about her husband. I was a little embarrassed because of the high praise, but felt very blessed to know that my writing deeply affected her in this way. Then, another friend told me that my writing helped her remain grounded in knowing exactly what she wants and helped her focus on what was important. That was great feedback to someone who is writing for herself. My thought process is somewhat skewed here, because I am writing for me, but I am honored that my experiences give hope to others in their lives. I do hope to give comfort to those caring for a dying loved one and sharing what I believe to be the most incredible transformation of life – loving another human being so unconditionally that losing them to death makes perfect sense.

Now that I’ve put that out there … how can this be possible? I fell madly, deeply in love with Keith 3 weeks after I met him. Yes, 3 weeks. Of course we waited 7-1/2 more weeks after that to get married. What? We both heard a lot of “don’t you think you’re rushing into it”? “Isn’t that a bit fast”? “How could you possibly know someone in that amount of time”? We had both been married before … me (well I was married twice before) and I will just say that those relationships helped mold me into the person that I was when I met Keith. I had an 11-year-old and an almost 14-year-old from my first marriage. I was in physical therapy after having back surgery from a work injury and out of work on worker’s compensation. I owned a home and made ends meet thankful in part to child support used for making those ends meet. I was content with my life and looking forward at the time, to healing and getting back to work. I meet this amazing man Keith at physical therapy, a group of us go out one night and Keith and I end up the entire evening talking to each other. We were inseparable since that day. So yes we were married – June 22, 1994 and our love continued to grow and blossom. Our marriage became something so different from anything I had experienced previously in at that time, 34-years. That’s not to say that I didn’t at one time love those other people; you don’t marry someone you don’t like. (Well OK, maybe someone Hollywood people do that). What I am saying is that God put two people together for a reason … He put Keith and I together because I believe God wanted a message given – love each other so unconditionally, that letting go of them, no matter the personal pain and earthly loss, you are able to say and truly mean it in your heart, I am happy for him/her. I truly, with God as my witness am so happy for Keith. In Christianity we are taught that Jesus is the chosen one. In my perfect marriage, Keith was the chosen one. God chose him to become weak when I was the weaker of the two throughout our marriage. God chose Keith to love me so unconditionally that I learned to love myself – just the way I am. I was perfect – perfect for Keith and that is all that ever mattered. That’s all that will ever matter, because you only get that kind of perfection once. God chose me for Keith because he needed someone who would love him unconditionally. He chose me because I have always been a good care-giver. He chose me for Keith because he needed someone to believe in him because aside from God – Keith did walk on water to me. In His master plan, He knew that Keith would be brought home first. But, the blessing in all of this is that for those twenty years and counting, our lives, despite the things that happened to us and around us, we just remained in love. There was never a time that we doubted our love could carry us through any situation. Even at the end, when we knew that we were going to be earthly departed, our love made everything OK.

For this life, with that man, I am a woman blessed.

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